As a survivor of sexual childhood abuse , Sara Tandel knows that child safety has to starts at home. Sara was taught to unquestionably obey elders, even if it meant silencing her voice. Adults unknowingly foster submission in children, making them vulnerable. Through Mukhlasi, she intends to change this attitude by empowering caregivers to encourage assertiveness in children.
Breaking the Silence against Childhood Abuse: A Personal Reflection
“Betaa, kiss me on my cheek!”, insisted my 35-year-old cousin to his 3-year-old niece who was visibly uncomfortable with the idea.
Her mother joined in the coercion. “That’s your uncle, give him a kiss.”
I couldn’t watch this unfold without saying anything. My explanations of consent and boundaries were simply brushed aside as “social work talk”.
This incident took me back to my helpless childhood, too scared to speak up or act against even the most atrocious acts of the so-called elders I was taught to respect profoundly.
My mom, a single parent, did everything in her power to take good care of me. She worked hard as a housemaid, saving every penny to ensure I never slept starving.
She even adjusted her work timings so she could walk me to school every day and paid extra for after-school tuition. She was also a uniting force in our chawl (low-cost housing complex), involving all the children in board games and occasionally taking us out to the beach. She was an ardent follower of Jesus Christ and talked about how he watches over us and keeps an eye on wicked people.
But she too was victim to the culture of revering your elders. I was taught to keep my mouth shut even when any injustice happened. I still remember my mom asking me to stay silent when a male relative 5 years older than me would bully and threaten to harm me by crashing his bicycle into me. I was convinced that elders are right, even when they do wrong, and I was to keep my mouth shut. And where did this conditioning take me? I fell into one swamp after another.
A neighbour gained my mother’s trust and spent much time at home. He would bring snacks and tell me stories while placing his hands on me in a familiar way. It’s just a game that he plays with his daughter he told me; I was a princess, and hence so special. Gradually, the games turned into him inserting his genitals into mine.
He was not the only one to take advantage of me. There was a teenager 11 years older than me, a construction worker at our chawl, and random men intentionally brushing against me on the street… Even my male classmates, noticing my pubescent developments would touch my breasts. I was branded as a “bad girl” and sent to sit in the very front of the class.
At 15, I had a 20-year-old controlling boyfriend who blackmailed me, threatening to reveal to my mother that we were in a relationship. He isolated me from everyone around me. In an impulsive moment, I tried to die by suicide by consuming a fistful of pills. It did not work; ironically, I had to take even more pills to get better.
I felt tainted and unconfident. I saw myself as a victim. I continued to live in fear of my first molester who was still trying his best to molest me till the age of 22.
That’s when I attended a program that started my transformation. The facilitator of the program made a statement when he was speaking of sexual childhood abuse , “Hey, whatever happened in your life, it was not your fault” – even when you grow into an adult you keep on looking back, unable to let go.
This was enough to give me the courage to make a call to my mother and tell her everything, she understood and told me I could have told her during that time itself she could have helped me to be safe, my next call was to the man that has abused me for a long time. I called him out on his actions. To this day he slinks around, avoiding me at all costs. This was the first time I had defied an “elder”, made my boundaries clear, and come out empowered.
Confronting the Shadows: My Journey to Empowerment
My volunteering experiences through national service schemes, NGOs like Akshara, and the United Way of Mumbai exposed me to women’s rights and insights into violence and abuse against women. I became an active participant in all these activities.
This paved my way to graduating in social work and working with various NGOs, one example being Arpan, where I worked with children who are victims of Sexual Childhood Abuse.
Let’s get back to the beginning of this story. That room had an adult making unwanted advances and a parent who was nurturing a submissive attitude in their very young child who was unable to express a firm NO. This needs to change.
I am dedicating my life, experiences, and mistakes to change this narrative and ensure children from vulnerable social backgrounds never fall into the swamps I have fallen into.
Empowering Children: The Vision of Mukhlasi
At my organisation “Mukhlasi”, which means “free from anything”, we believe in empowering children to:
-Recognize when they are being groomed for sexual childhood abuse, whether online or offline (signs of grooming are in many instances, not noticeable by caregivers or other trusted adults)
-Identify other situations that could put them at risk of sexual abuse,
-Break free from taboos and dare to open up to trusted adults about the above,
-Become assertive in expressing their thoughts and feelings, and
-Learn to set boundaries in their relationships.
Adults also need to break free of taboos, learn to identify signs of abuse, and create open channels of communication with children. Hence they too play an important role in our vision to create a world free from Sexual Childhood Abuse.
Learn more about Sara’s work on https://mukhlasi.org/
Watch Sara’s kanthari TALK here (go to minute 16:30)
